I didn’t think it would be hard to look at Kennedy’s pictures or the few things that belonged to her while she was alive. I was wrong. The sorrow for what she went through and the regret and feeling that I should have prevented or stopped it is growing. She came out so pure and beautiful and quickly proved she was going to be with us for a while. Quickly my fear of loosing her became a fear of the unknown.
I didn’t know how to deal with a baby that would stop breathing. I knew that we needed to let go, but how can you tell your wife that we shouldn’t rub or rock her when she is in these episodes? You aren’t consoled by the idea that your sorrow would have had been greater if you had never hold her and gave her directly to the ventilator.
She was a baby and I can remember her coming out and my amazement at how beautiful she was. How strong she sounded and perfect she seemed. I can only imagine her looking at me and wondering each time she stop breathing why I don’t help? Why don’t you do something to make it better? It must have been a somewhat simple feeling, since she was a baby, of longing for her Dad or Mom to just help. It shouldn’t have been so hard to be a baby, but it must have been for her.
And then her eyes became less focused. She stopped following your face and voice. Her movements became less as the episodes became longer. It couldn’t have been harder on any one of us. I can say we did the right thing, but it certainly has its price.
Do we think about Kennedy everyday? Absolutely and without exception. I think that some people would say that we will learn to forget or it will get better over time. I know that I am not that type of person. That will not happen for me. I will remember as vividly and be as sorrowful and regretful and shamed that I am happy to have had her the day before I die as I am today.
2/24/2006 1:30:59 PM
Comment by bbstorino<at>cableaz.com
Your family is so strong to have given Kennedy life - if even for a short time. I can't imagine the pain the memories of her hold for you - I just hope you also can remember the love during that time.
You are in my thoughts and prayers, always.
posted @ 3/1/2006 8:21:30 AM