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Its been so long.
It has been so long since I have visited the site. Kennedy has been gone for over 2 months. Her headstone is in place, we have her birth cirtificate and all that as well.
On the birth cirtificate it was sad to see DECEASED instead of the birth number. I suppose they dont want you using the document for credit or something 18 years from now. It was just sad.
Carol and I had a good conversation about Kennedy last night and although it is tough to talk about it we still manage to share with each other. Kristin has helped us deal over the past weeks.
I hate to feel like I am loosing what I can remember of Kennedy. It is harder to remember the details and some of the joys we had. It almost seems easier to remember the lows.
You walk around with a regret and a anxiety that you forget something. It is like when you are laying in bed and you think you left your garage open. You have to get up and check right? Well there is nothing to check. You feel as if something was forgotten or lost and you cant get up and check anything - It is harder to sleep now for me and Carol then it was immediately after she left us.
I took the baby carriage apart this weekend. It was just kinda sad since that was one of the last things around that was hers - or meant for her. We only laid her there for 30 seconds or so. The nurse told us to make sure and lay her down and get some sleep and all of that. I am glad Carol didnt listen. I am happy that together we made good choices like NOT laying her in the carriage alone for any period of time. I shiver to think of the minute she was laying there without her parents immediately to her side.
You feel as if you let your child down. You couldnt be a real dad to her. You just werent. You were not capable of giving her what she needed. I couldnt feed her. She could eat in the traditional manner. It just doenst make you feel good at all and you question everything you do now and relate it to what happened in those 42 hours.
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